I sit at my window and see the downpour. My eyes are drawn to our blossoming apple trees. The branches sway under the weight of the storm and the petals fall to the ground. It just stands there, waiting for the storm to pass and peppering the ground with its beautiful, delicate petals.
Perhaps I’m just being emotional, but life feels a lot like that tree right now. My heart that was once ever growing and blossoming with the beauty of faith in our everlasting God, is now standing still as these blossoms break apart under the weight of a storm that seems never-ending. People keep assuring me that this pain is just a season of my life that will eventually come to an end. I suppose I’m thinking of how quickly winter turned to spring this year and how fast spring will fade into summer. These seasons pass quickly, but mine has persisted for almost a year and a half.
I feel as if weary is my second skin. I thought before that I could not go on, but I did, because there was nothing else to do. Now I find that I am truly at the end of myself and my heart cries with fear of failure and prayers for deliverance.
I’m afraid that I will break; afraid that the pain will pull my heart away from the God I love. These are the the thoughts that run through my mind and fill my journals:
Dear God, you made this heart of mine; fashioned it with your own hands. Do not let it turn from You. Please do not allow the grief of these days to pull me away from what I know is truth. My life is a breath, but right now this pain feels like eternity. My heart lay in the darkest places; my soul faints from distress. Deliver me, oh Lord, and renew my heart for You. My strength fails and I put my trust in You. Do not let me be ashamed. My tears are many and my sorrows deep. My eyes grow weary, but sleep has gone. How long will You hide Your face? Will You forget the one whom You call beloved? Even in my darkest times, I know that this is real. I know that You’re Creator, God, and King of Kings. Even when I raise my hands in tears of anger and frustration, I know that You are above all others. Yet my heart is so broken, I only know the suffering. I can only feel my hurt. And try as I might, I cannot see further. My heart longs to sing of Your mercies, yet these words seem empty on my lips. My weary eyes are on You, waiting anxiously for Your salvation. Creator of my heart, please do not allow me to forget You in the pain. With all I have left, I wait on the Lord. His mighty hand is my hope and His Word is my comfort. Do not let my soul perish with the wicked. Deliver me from every selfish desire. Keep me in Your way and do not let me be destroyed by this grief. Where are You, Lord? Hear my cry, I pray. Do not let my heart fall away.
Why do I share this with you? Because I have realized just this morning, as I sat at my window, that this blog has a lot to do with my heart. It is, and always will be, my heart’s journey of following my Shepherd, and if I am to write about the journey of my heart, I must write about the difficult valleys as well as the smoother planes. I must share of the storms as well as the sunshine, even as my heart breaks and my mouth is silent.
And just as my heart feels like that tree, standing in the rain, I must always remember that no storm lasts forever and all storms serve a purpose. Because now, as the rain slows to a drizzle and eventually stops all together, the ground has been refreshed and will serve to grow the tree to a greater, stronger beauty.
Until then, my soul waits for the Lord and finds comfort in His word:
…Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. -Psalm 30:5
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:38-39
Your mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the great mountains; Your judgments are a great deep; O LORD, You preserve man and beast. How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. -Psalms 36:5-7
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. -Psalm 34:18-19
But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand… -Psalms 31:14-15a
Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD. -Psalms 31:24
In You, O LORD, I put my trust; Let me never be ashamed; Deliver me in Your righteousness. Bow down Your ear to me, Deliver me speedily; Be my rock of refuge, A fortress of defense to save me. -Psalms 31:1-2
Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. -Psalms 62:8
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. -Psalms 46:1-3
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. Psa 62:1-2
Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. -Psalms 33:20