I wrote that over two weeks ago. Since then the blog has been silent. I’m sorry, dear readers. Things don’t always go as planned around here.
It’s not that I haven’t had time to write. In fact, I’ve sat down to write on several occasions over the past two weeks. It just won’t flow.
My heart has been heavy, struggling with doubts and frustrations. But even as I sit to write this out, the words won’t come. There are too many thoughts weighing down on my mind to write them all out.
The rough days just don’t seem to be taking a break. I’ve had this I’m-almost-back-to-normal idea for the past couple of months, pushing to believe that I’m almost at the end of this road to recovery. But this journey is much slower than I’d like to admit and I push and push, only to finally collapse in frustration and despair.
And I’ve collapsed. That’s why the blog has been silent. Because I’ve been overcome by the realization that this road is long and I’m not yet to the end of it.
That hurts. I want to be to the end. I want this to be over now. I’ve thought before that I was tired of all this. I’ve even felt that tired was an understatement. Now I don’t even know how to express how weary I am of this road. And when you’re weary, you don’t always see things for what they are.
So I’m going back. I’m re-reading all that I’ve written over this journey. All of these blog posts. 113 of them, now. Was that really me? They sound so wise. So true. Did I really write that? It must have been some other girl; some other girl who struggles less.
Because the truth is, I’m still struggling with the things I wrote about in this post. And this one. This one, too. Honestly, I still struggle daily with worry and that was the first thing I ever wrote about on this blog.
These posts aren’t coming from someone who “has it it all figured out.” I don’t write them and go on to live out those words perfectly. These posts are the result of God’s grace meeting my humanity. They are the product of God’s light overtaking the darkness of my own heart.
And I wish I always lived how I write. I wish these struggles were less and that I served God in the way that I know is right. But the truth is my humanity so often gets in the way and I hate it. I hate the way that I can trust God so completely at one moment and then question Him no-end only a short time later. I am petty and unfaithful, even as I fight so hard not to be, and I have no idea why He continues to put up with me.
Because I’m so short-sighted. Here I am on this journey, crying in despair over every difficulty and overwhelmed by the pain I feel. But I forget that I’m not walking alone. I forget that I am walking with the One who holds it all together – the One who has my life in His hands and loves me more than any one else ever will. I forget that I am loved by the King of the Universe. How could one forget such a thing so easily?
Somehow I do.
Again and again.
And I’m so tired of it.
I’m so tired of fighting this battle. Of laboring so hard to focus on the blessings in my life rather than the difficulties. Every day I fight. And lately I’ve just been feeling more inclined to give up.
This world is so dark – so full of hurt, perversion, and difficulty. And I want so badly to know why it has to be that way, because I’m so tired of fighting against its influence and seeing it wreak havoc all around me. I just want to go back to Eden. Back to perfection. Back to being able to talk to God face to face. Oh how I wish for that!
And to be honest, I don’t understand why God allowed sin into the world. I’ve heard many an explanation, but I really don’t know. And maybe one day I will. Maybe as I study it out and talk to others about it, I will come to understand. Perhaps I won’t know until I stand before God.
But until then, I trust Him. Not blind trust. Not far off, dreamy, “believing.” I know that God is real, I know that He is faithful, I know that He loves me, I know He does what is best, and because I know these things I can trust Him with the things I do not understand.
Because in the end, He’s God and I am not.
So is this the end of my struggle? No. My struggle will not end until I reach Heaven. There will be days when I will doubt. There will be times when I will cry. There will be nights I lay awake in astonishment at the darkness of this world. There will be frustration over the journey ahead.
But praise the Lord, His grace is sufficient for each and every day.
I’m tired. I’m weary. I’m worn. But I serve a God who is ever strong, especially in my weakness. What a blessing!
I fail and I stumble and I require encouragement. But I am not alone on this road. I have parents who love me, the best of best friends, people all around the world praying for me… how did I get so blessed?
And I’m not going to hit “publish” and live my life exactly right. I am a work in progress. And His grace is sufficient for each and every day.