“To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven”
I went to get my State ID on Monday. Makeup-less and sick, to be sure. I wasn’t expecting the photo to be anything grand anyway. As a United Sates Citizen over the age of eighteen, I need some sort of photo ID to prove that I exist and to keep my doctors and insurance company from having heart attacks.
It’s not that I didn’t want a State ID. I appreciate the fact that it’s available to me, because I’m currently too sick to take the tests necessary for a driver’s license. That’s the part that gets to me, really. Eighteen and I still can’t legally drive. In fact, I haven’t even graduated high school and it feels kinda like wishful thinking to say that I will in any timely fashion. I’ve never had a job. I do some design work here and there and take pictures, but I have never been able to wake up and go to work. I can imagine what that feels like and I’m positive it gets tiring, but I’d truly love to be able to do that right now.
I’ve never been one that wanted to leave home. In fact, I’m definitely a homebody. I love to travel, but just as much I love to have a place to come home to. I love my parents and our relationship is better than I could ever ask for. I didn’t think that I’d struggle with these feelings. I thought that I’d leave home whenever life brought me to that point and I’d never really feel the desire to be on my own and spread my wings. I’m ambitious, sure, but I never knew I’d yearn for independence.
I’m eighteen. It’s so young when you think about it and I can’t help but feel unprepared in ways and wet behind the ears. There are plenty of times where I’ve felt as though I knew so much, only to realize a few years later how little I actually knew and how mistaken I truly was. And I can’t help but wonder what areas of my life are like that now. I can’t help but wonder what things I’m doing now that I’ll think differently about in a few years. But still I’m ready to move forward.
In my mind I can picture myself at the starting line, dancing in anticipation. But every time I go to run it’s like I’m treading water; like ropes are tying me down. I feel so stuck.
I can feel so much potential for my future, I have so many gifts the Lord has blessed me with and I’m ready to pursue them. At least… I believe I’m ready. But here I am, chronically ill and facing my own inability to be independent. I want to work, I want to study, I want to grow, I want to graduate, I want to drive, I want to know the feeling of having my own home – even if it’s just a shabby apartment.
I’m ready for this season to be over with.
After fighting such a deep depression I’ve finally found my hope again. I see the blessings this illness has lent me and I see the things that God is beginning to work through in my life. I am so thankful for the season He has brought me through and for the growth I’ve experienced because of it. It has made me who I am and grounded me in my faith.
But I’m ready for it to be over. I’m ready for the next season in my story. I’m ready for independence. I’m ready for life.
And it takes everything I have in me to continue to trust that God knows just what He’s doing. I know without a doubt that His timing is perfect; I’ve seen it first hand. And so I cling to Him, knowing that everything has its season and even as I’m anxious for this one to be over, every day it continues is for a purpose.
I am working daily to find the beauty within this season and to make the most of it. Some days are harder than others, but I’m thankful for God’s grace and patience as I seek to rest in Him and trust that He knows best.
In the spirit of that, I want to begin taking time to be open, honest, and real here on the blog about the struggles I am facing and the things that God is working out in my heart and mind. I know that He brings beauty from this pain that I endure and I have seen the way He has used this pain to bless and encourage others. I have finally felt (at least for now) my ability to write coming back and I feel God prodding me to share with you once again.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time…” -Ecclesiastes 3:11